“Now What?” It Just Hit Different

I envisioned the dream, but didn’t believe it would come true

My mind is relieved, but my body feels heavy

I feel proud, but afraid of the responsibility 

I see a path but it’s too many roads to choose from

I had no expectations, but exceeded all expectations 

I cried a lot, but it was hidden and no one saw it 

I quit on myself almost every night but got up the next morning and went at it again

I remained angry for a long time because the road I had imagined put up a DO NOT ENTER sign

I questioned my worth on this journey when all I did was inspire others and be myself

I asked the question, why me and I continued to hear WHY NOT YOU!

I felt I was given too much and then I was told it’s because much is required

I pray for peace, but I know that there’s work to be done

I want to be happy, but when I look out at the world, I wonder how

I continue to wonder what’s next, when all I see is opportunity

I wonder whose watching, when I already know the world is

Three years ago, I saw a different life for myself, when the path was interrupted very quickly, I was told by a mentor, “someone has opened up the door for you to finally walk into your destiny, just embrace it.”  I will never forget the fear that I had at that very moment, because I knew she was right and at that moment things would forever change.

As I watched my classmates and the world celebrate their accomplishments; the photoshoots, the family photos, the first name changes, the celebrations, the balloons and the happiness and even watching how proud my own family has celebrated me, I almost forgot that I was also a part of this celebration. 

Even throughout the commencement celebrations, the GroupMe chats, things seemed normal. I didn’t feel like I just accomplished one of the biggest milestones that I NEVER imagined.  I didn’t see this path.  It wasn’t until many hours later, I looked on the door and saw that robe hanging, I said to myself, “Crystal that robe has been on that door for almost 2 months, its’ about time you try it on.”  I have no idea why I allowed that robe to hang on that closet for 2 months without even trying it on. I assume I was not mentally ready to believe what it all meant. 

So, I took the robe off the door, pulled the hat out and dressed myself, hooded myself and I just stood there.  I stood there as I felt the heaviness of the robe on me.  It immediately reminded me of the heaviness I felt in 2017, but it also reminded me that I am now equipped for that heaviness.  It reminded me of the responsibilities that I have to myself and those that I help every day. It reminded me that I was walking into that destiny my mentor was speaking of. So, as I adjusted my hat I looked up at myself in the mirror and smiled.  I then said aloud to myself “Dr. McLeod now what?”

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